twenty years ago today ….

One of the best decisions I've ever made!  We were so young when we married, we've grown up together.  My mister has helped me become the person I am today.  When he said in sickness and in health I don't think he realised just how much sickness he would have to deal with, but he's been by my side every step of the way.

five months into this gig …..

I saw this quote on someones wall a while ago, it comes from the poem 'A Summer Day', by the American poet Mary Oliver:

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean -
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

The last two lines have been floating around in my head for a while now; whenever they come to the forefront of my thoughts the only answer I've been able to come up with 'is I have no idea'.  So I decided to have a go at hand lettering and painted the above, it's a bit rough round the edges but I plan to hang it somewhere I will see it every day, in the hope that one day I'll figure it out.  Even though I don't yet have an answer, what I am acutely aware of is how precious life is.  

It's now five months (how is it possible that time can pass so slow and yet fly by at the same time) since my surgery; so I can look back and see how things have changed here's where I'm at.  In the first few weeks after surgery, while searching about recovery after a hysterectomy, I found this comment - 'after four months you will have whole days that go by in which you do not think about having had surgery' on the Hysterectomy Toolbox blog. At the time I couldn't believe it could possibly happen, everything I did or felt was dominated by the impact of the surgery; but over time I have found myself thinking less and less about the surgery and it's true whole days do go by without me giving it a thought.  In many ways my post-surgery body is back to where it was pre-surgery - I'm back running (albeit rather slowly); I'm cycling and horse riding again and I've started back at work.  I can fit into my regular clothes and the scar no longer feels sore and tender - I can wear jeans again! And yet I feel that there is an almost imperceptible vail surrounding me; from the outside I look like the same old me - but cancer has changed me - it's grip still holds me tight and it's not something I really know how to come to terms with.  The broken sleep, tiredness and fatigue still plague me as do the night sweats and other menopause symptoms that need to be managed on a daily basis; and the nagging pain that remains on the left side of my pelvis is a constant reminder that life really is precious and it is about time that I figured out what to do with the life I now have.

knitted goodness

There's something about knitting, something that goes beyond just knit and purl. Over the last couple of years I've read a few comments on blogs and instagram about knitting being good for the soul.  For me the wonderful illustrator and artist Katie Green sums up what I fell about knitting in an illustrated article in pompom quarterly Winter 2014.

Image from pompom quarterly winter 2014 - illustrations by Katie Green

Her beautifully illustrated article (called knitting saved my life) describes how knitting became a lifeline for her during a period of deep depression, that she found the familiar repetitive motion of knitting soothing and that creating something gave hope, knitting meant learning new skills, patience and learning to enjoying the process of creating.  

It's now been over six months since I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and time and time again, especially during the very dark moments, I have found myself knitting.  The rhythm of knitting calming my mind as it raced ahead as to what might be. There is so much more to write about knitting, especially how learning to knit has helped me let go of perfection! I enjoy knowing that each item I make contains some stitches that aren't in the right place and how, to me anyway, those imperfections mirror life but most importantly that it's ok that something isn't perfect, it truly is the process of creating something that is fulfilling!

Here is some of the knitted goodness I've been tinkering with over the last six months:

Lamb hat - this was a knit along by Jenny Gourdy of Wiksten, details can be found on her instagram feed, more images of lamb hats can be found at #wikstenlamhat

Puerperium cardigan - this was for my newest nephew, who was born in April, I made lamb hat for him  too and a little pixie cap to go with the cardigan.

Small cable sweater - loved this pattern, this jumper also was for my nephew, credit for the yarn/colour should go to magimix on Raverly - she knitted this jumper as a sample for her lovely shop  Be Inspired Fibres.

A second wee envelope (the variegated green above), also for my nephew but in a larger size and yet to be gifted !

Granny's favourite - for a friends daughter

And as I can never seem to settle to be a monogamous knitter, here's a list few other projects I have on the go at the moment! 

Miffy, Owligan, Knitted socks, Loch ness monster, Red roof croft house, Lila and Hediye

Floored...

Recently I've felt absolutely floored, my get up and go has 'got up and gone'; projects like the sock above lie around the place, unfinished; ideas come and go but I can't be bothered - with anything.  Sometimes it feels so unreal that I have cancer, something so serious, I really can't believe that it true.  I feel like I've become very selfish and introspective, cancer makes me think about 'me' rather than others - I need to change my outlook stop looking into myself, and start looking around me and discover the world out there again

stepping over the line

Today she crossed over the line and was gone,
and so was her suffering and pain,
I will miss her.

chasing time …..

For a while there, I wasn't sure how much of a future I had.  But I guess none of us really knows how long our futures will be, we never get to see the 'bus' until it's about to hit us!

In the aftermath of the last three months I'm left wondering how much sand is there left in the timer?  I can't decide, after being told of my prognosis, has the timer been turned over and reset? How many more sand grains are left?

The situation is paradoxical - only time will tell if the cancer has gone or if it will return, but once that time has gone I can't get it back.   I'm left wondering what the hell do I do with my life now?  What do I do with the time I have?

Some people say you should live your life like every day is your last, and while I fully embrace living without regrets, trying to live life to the full, cramming in everything can be exhausting and I'm exhausted enough as it is right now.  I am was a day-dreamer, but for now my day-dreams have been paralysed by fear, the fear of not knowing how far I can look forward, of not knowing what is to come.  And so for now I'm not making any plans, I'm trying to breath in the moment and stop chasing time. 

on my bedside table

A few things on my bedside table making me smile; muscari from the garden (hello spring), dipped terracotta jug from Decorator's Notebook; glass dish from iittala, the rabbit light, a gift to myself; the felt covered stones I made to remind me of something I hold dear to my heart; and the lovely Alium table light is by Hannah Nunn.  I bought it from Boo Vake a few years ago, but just realised it was made by Hannah Nunn when I read an article about her work in April's Country Living.