chasing time …..

For a while there, I wasn't sure how much of a future I had.  But I guess none of us really knows how long our futures will be, we never get to see the 'bus' until it's about to hit us!

In the aftermath of the last three months I'm left wondering how much sand is there left in the timer?  I can't decide, after being told of my prognosis, has the timer been turned over and reset? How many more sand grains are left?

The situation is paradoxical - only time will tell if the cancer has gone or if it will return, but once that time has gone I can't get it back.   I'm left wondering what the hell do I do with my life now?  What do I do with the time I have?

Some people say you should live your life like every day is your last, and while I fully embrace living without regrets, trying to live life to the full, cramming in everything can be exhausting and I'm exhausted enough as it is right now.  I am was a day-dreamer, but for now my day-dreams have been paralysed by fear, the fear of not knowing how far I can look forward, of not knowing what is to come.  And so for now I'm not making any plans, I'm trying to breath in the moment and stop chasing time.