Floored...

Recently I've felt absolutely floored, my get up and go has 'got up and gone'; projects like the sock above lie around the place, unfinished; ideas come and go but I can't be bothered - with anything.  Sometimes it feels so unreal that I have cancer, something so serious, I really can't believe that it true.  I feel like I've become very selfish and introspective, cancer makes me think about 'me' rather than others - I need to change my outlook stop looking into myself, and start looking around me and discover the world out there again

stepping over the line

Today she crossed over the line and was gone,
and so was her suffering and pain,
I will miss her.

chasing time …..

For a while there, I wasn't sure how much of a future I had.  But I guess none of us really knows how long our futures will be, we never get to see the 'bus' until it's about to hit us!

In the aftermath of the last three months I'm left wondering how much sand is there left in the timer?  I can't decide, after being told of my prognosis, has the timer been turned over and reset? How many more sand grains are left?

The situation is paradoxical - only time will tell if the cancer has gone or if it will return, but once that time has gone I can't get it back.   I'm left wondering what the hell do I do with my life now?  What do I do with the time I have?

Some people say you should live your life like every day is your last, and while I fully embrace living without regrets, trying to live life to the full, cramming in everything can be exhausting and I'm exhausted enough as it is right now.  I am was a day-dreamer, but for now my day-dreams have been paralysed by fear, the fear of not knowing how far I can look forward, of not knowing what is to come.  And so for now I'm not making any plans, I'm trying to breath in the moment and stop chasing time. 

on my bedside table

A few things on my bedside table making me smile; muscari from the garden (hello spring), dipped terracotta jug from Decorator's Notebook; glass dish from iittala, the rabbit light, a gift to myself; the felt covered stones I made to remind me of something I hold dear to my heart; and the lovely Alium table light is by Hannah Nunn.  I bought it from Boo Vake a few years ago, but just realised it was made by Hannah Nunn when I read an article about her work in April's Country Living. 

six weeks, sutures, scar and sleep

Six weeks have past since my last surgery, so I can look back and see progress, here are some of my thoughts and observations (sorry if the images are a bit gruesome).

The above picture is of two of the four sutures from the first surgery (there was another near my right hip and one in the pit of my belly button).  Most of the action was on the left side of my pelvis, as that is where the cyst was and where the cancer was found.

Here is the scar from the last surgery, nearly all 20 cm of it; I think it has given my belly a slightly 'upholstered' look!  

At six weeks I'm off all pain killers, the scar is itchy and very tender at times and I still can't bare the thought of any tight or restrictive material on or close to it; I miss wearing jeans!  All of the post-surgical complications, the severe vomiting that put me back into hospital and the colic/stomach cramps that meant I survived on custard and boiled rice for most of a week have gone (thank-goodness).  Now I am left learning to manage the fatigue and the evening swollen belly.  I'm walking further and longer each day and I hope to be able to swim soon; all of the muscle tone I had has gone and I am decidedly wobbly in places!  But I can now cough, sneeze and most importantly laugh without pain, hurrah!

One demon that has reared it's head is night sweats; I knew that as soon as I came round from the surgery that removed my ovaries (and the rest of my reproductive organs) I would be in a 'surgical menopause'.  For the first couple of weeks as I vomited and couldn't eat I thought I had managed to circumvent any menopause symptoms!  Ha, I should be so lucky; over the last 3 weeks the night sweats have increased in number and duration. I now wake every 1.5 - 2 hours through the night drenched in sweat - oh the irony it's almost like having a new born, ha!  I miss undisturbed sleep!  While I can cope with broken sleep, as I spend my days healing and resting I have no idea how I'm going to manage when I'm back at work. I can see that the physical symptoms of the surgery are healing and each day I feel that my body is more like the one I knew before the surgery; some of my pre-surgery fears haven't come to fruition and some I've faced head on and found that they weren't so bad after all.  However, I'm conscious that so far I've only focused on the physical side of the surgery, but there is a whole other side to cancer; the not knowing, the dark thoughts that swirl around my head, the implications and the deep dark cavern that deserves a post of its own. 

ice cream and things

Over the easter weekend my mister took me out for ice cream (mint choc-chip …. yum) and a short walk!

We sat by the harbour, there was a sea haar (mist) travelling up the river giving an eerie chill to the warmth of the sun and hiding the far river bank in it's misty cloak.  

As we wandered along the harbour edge we came across a drift of swans ….

They were so serene and effortless as they floated around in the harbour.

A couple of things on the needles; just to remind me to finish these projects before starting anything else ;-)!  Above is a half completed Opari (pattern is by Ysolda) and below is the start of wee Envelope (pattern also by Ysolda).

god daughters and easter

I have the wonder of being a god mother to two beautiful god daughters; here's one of them wearing some fairie wings I made for her, who doesn't want to be a fairie when they're seven!

I get slightly uncomfortable around this time of year, with Easter being such a celebrated time within the 'church'; as a god mother I feel I should somehow be contributing to my god daughters spiritual well being.  However, belief in anything at all should be their choice and not something I should discourage or equally foster upon them.  Last easter, after reading this article about the life and work of the Finnish artist and author Tove Jansson, I gave my god daughters Moomin Troll books.  

Tove Jansson image source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tove_Jansson

In the world that Tove created in her books, the Moomin trolls live very closely to nature and embrace diversity; I think this quote from Frank Cottrell Boyce 'one of the things I really took from them was the importance of small pleasures, that life is really worth living if we're just nice to each other and make really good coffee, and the pancakes are just right - then nothing else really matters in any substantial way' perfectly sums up the Moomins and I hope my god daughters picked up on that.

This year, I decided to keep things simple and went for the standard easter imagery - bunnies!  I guess with a nod to the coming of spring, after the darkness of winter, that brings longer days and new life that reminds us of the miracle of nature.  I'm not sure if my god daughters will have picked up on that - but hopefully they got the bunny and spring connection!  

The pattern was from Mollie Makes issue 51; I added a scarf as it's still quite cold and frosty up here in the mornings!  I changed the pattern a bit for the second bunny and used a woven wool fabric instead of felt, both had Liberty Tana Lawn for their ears and tummies.