devastatingly beautiful

I thought at the beginning of this 'journey' it would be polite to introduce my cancer; I have ovarian clear-cell carcinoma (all the c's).

I've spent the last twenty years of my life working with cells.  Observing, watching them grow, studying the location and behaviour of the proteins within them.  And now as I look at my cancer cells, at the cells that are me but unless they are tamed will kill me, I find them devastatingly beautiful.  And here is the quandary, those cells are part of me, they are me, so how do I fight with myself?  How can they be stopped without stopping me?  On a physiological level they are fascinating; I wonder about how they have mutated, what has changed within them to make them march to their own beat, but then I find myself also wondering how are they going to change me?

image source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clear-cell_ovarian_carcinoma